A very personal problem please help if you can.

For reasons really don't want to get into, I need advice on obtaining the following items at an inexpensive cost, yet hopefully, quality goods. If you have anything like this you can spare, please, let me know- or if you know of anyone in the KC MO area who may, by all means, drop a note.

A nine pound bag of flour, preferably unbleached.
Five hundred and seventy nine lima beans.
Five adult diapers, preferably in green, purple, red, yellow polka dot and pinstripe and EXTRA absorbent.
Spare ribs from a bison. Bonus if the bison was white.
Ten pounds of high quality cocaine- not crack, just cocaine, but will take speedballs, if that's all you have.
Five classy yet trashy prostitutes, at least one needs to be into baby/adult play.
Will accept three live ones and two dead ones so long as rigor mortis has not set in.
One bulk jar of mayonnaise. NOT MIRACLE WHIP. It MUST be mayonnaise.
Forty eight pairs of pink panties, size xxx mens.

If you can help, please let me know. I am in dire need, seriously.

eta: I am not a troll, I simply have a birthday party to plan! You are so heartless...
AGAIN ETA: Oh holy GOD. HOW DARE YOU JUDGE MEEEE?
This is TOTALLY on topic, I dont want to pay full price for any of this stuff.
lulz
I have the bison ribs, tell me where to mail them
lollerskates
You could save money by getting generic mayonnaise, you know.
Re: lollerskates
you could buy the coca leaves directly from colombia or peru and make your own coke!!
I volunteer my gigolo services at a reduced price, if I get to keep the panties afterward.
Your sense of smell is keen enough to sniff out who has a life and who doesn't!? ARE YOU SHERLOCK HOLMES' PUPPY???
5-10 thousand bucks for the cocaine, but not in speedballs...you gotta buy it buy the kg.